struggle

i am so blessed these days.
terima kasih Allah for all the rahmat You give- friends and crowd, and rezekis.

i'v been reading few entries framing sounded like 'jgn igt org result tak bagus tak bleh g jauh'.
its fine to comfort them who related, but the same ways membuatkan org high achievers feel 'owh, kalau gitu tak yah la score tinggi2, buat lek je lah exam, ala kadar.kalau good score tak semestinya goes well in future' kinda thing.
it makes high achievers feel crap you know.
then membuatkan org2 lemau nak study.
mcm bersalah plak dapat good scores.
tau, kdg org rendah score tapi kj bagus, kdg org high achievers tak leh perform time keja.
tapi, in term of exam, jangan la cakap camtu.
mak sentap nakkk..

aku pun kdg deliver speech tak fluent.
lost words, dan kdg2 audience sambung ayat.
pastu sesama gelak.
i am not saying i had excellent nau in my exams, but boleh dikatakan hokay la.
but you know that not all people born excel cenggitu je.
they struggle on that.
bertahajud, solat hajat, minta dengan Allah, tak tdo malam, sacrifice times.
tetambah plak bebudak bidang core mcm medic, acc, law.
ok la kalau nk kata yg score kurang pun buat semua tu, tapi my highlight is pada yng score kurang ko study tak berapa org study ko g dating, main2 time asgmt pastu claim "alaa, high achievers tak menjanjikan masa depan" . kau rasa?
ateleast they are complying one of criteria di mata interviewer hokay.
lain la kalo ko mmg ade softskills yg bagus bleh convince org kj.
atau mmg dah tertulis di luhmahfuz ko mmg excel dalam life ko kan.

me struggle very much to get score yang telah dapat.
as for me, struggle as much u can, to get good score or not, depends on your struggleness tu la.
tapi slalunya Allah dah btau "those yang berusaha, pasti akan dapat apa yg diusahakan".
these feeling is when most of people around yg nampak tak brapa nak 'berusaha' pastu duk kata 'alaa..result tinggi pon ...bla..bla..bla..tgk dia tu...bla..bla..dulu blaja kemain excellent, skang tgk, aku lebih..bla.bla.'
eh engkau!
emosi plak ai.

ahad aritu ade recognition day on Hari Inovasi.
and I saw people who got recognition from uni, and riak muka masing2 mmg deserved.
since i was among them, kita rasa dihargai dalam menjalani amanah dan tanggungjawab.
it is not like riak you know, i was like "alhamdulillah, then we would work harder, this is a motivation, and inspiration to us" kinda thing.
how struggle we were in our routines.
some of them aku pnah jumpa balik kj dah nak maghrib.
some of them tak berkira time buat kj.
after all, do not sound like 'alaa.depa kaki kipas' and those all bad things, tak baik.
mmg kalau ikutkan penggiliran to get that award tu ada kat most department.
rezeki is masing2 lah kan..
buleh dak kalau pk yg baik2.
amik yang positive dari mereka2 ni, them apply.
depa dapat, kita dapat.

even the recognition award refers to my 2015 punya kerja, but i positively put my 2016 as my bz-ness year which deserved to be highlighted.
and the most thing i sacrificed much on 2016 was to focus on Anugerah Kualiti Rektor, pelaporan 2016.
giler aku tercabar dgn mantan TKP last year masuk tak menang.
setiap meeting kena perli.
atlast aku buat dua org, amik idea je ramai2.
and Allah gives us Naib Johan. dia punya seronok terbawa2 sampai ke hari ni.
penat lelah weyh. org bcuti chrismast kita buat report.
org celeb newyear kita dtg opis.
bergaduh2 selisih faham.
Allah itu baik, dan sayang kita semua. Dia bagi.

selepas episod tukar tempat keja 2013, i can tell that 2013 and 2014 were the years i built the trust and believeness that the mgt could count on me in doing things to sama-sama naikkan department ni.
and 2015 i got lots of tasks (amekaw!).
2016 kita harvest dia punya hasil.
and i could tell that 2016 is my bright year, since my previous bright year is 2010.

more years to go.
hope istiqamah,
and Allah, pls give me strength.
semoga diconvertkan tanggungjawab ini sebagai ibadah.

mom always says, there are much ways to make her proud, use your brain.
ada ilmu, jangan bongkak, tawakal.
and i kept her words, sampai mati.
inshaAllah.


obses nak kurus

last two months (oh God, arini dah masuk february!), ai find out that my weight dah lain mcm.
baju dah sendat tang bumper, trasa berat semacam.
aku rasa dah citer sblm ni.haha.
so kesah counting calories tu bergerak cantik sehingga last two weeks.
mmg nak g jjcm kat shah alam (jer) sesambil amik ciktee.
well, org kampung mmg suka jalan bandar.
org bandar plak beriya nk jalan kg, kan.
itulah kita, manusia. mencari kesempurnaan dalam dunia fana ni.

alaah, tak kemana pun, round2 mall.
makan2 sket.
tgk wayang sket; pastu tak paham citer apa yg kitorg tgk, tapi tgk jer sbb org blnja. tq buddy.
jalan2 sampai malam.
lebih adventure sket sbb duk hotel bajet.

makan2 kat sana tak plak aku masukkan dlm MyFitnessPal.
takut kecewa. so aku ikut flow je.
sblm balik aku g singgah IOI City Mall tu.
sesambil g makeup free kat Sephora, g jugak cari weightscale kat area2 situ.
and now sehari pat lima kali timbang kau.
timbang masa derma darah aritu 67kg.
sblm balik kg aritu 64 kg, pastu balik smlm timbang 62 kg.
eh, aku rasa boleh tahan nafsu mkn kat kg even 4 ari, pagi petang makan nasik.
mcm mustahil lah plak.
eleh, padahal gembira.
haha.

ok, my journey to 55kg proceed.
gigih aku g mncari peanut butter with no sugar. jumpa hokay.
pastu cari pulak Ahmad Green Tea. jumpa.
so skang,  smua bnda ada.
yg tak pasti ada ke tak is motivasi.
aku doakan aku konsisten.
tak bleh dah nk celebrate every victory dgn makan tak hingat.
aku kna tukar cara celebrating victory *tgh pk*

stkt ni yg konsisten is no sugar for drink water.
tapi kalo kat umah aku minum je sbb mak dah buat.
dan bila g umah org, takkan nak order air masak plak. ko igt kdai mamak?

so, next jjcm aku kna control portion.
harapnya kesah journeyto55 ni mencapai kejayaan.
sebelum raya nt. amiinnn..

kisah mak kutu

lately aku ralit plak baca cerita2 dkt IIUMC confession tu.
ni skang ni aku nk buat confession sket.huhu.

aku ni bukanlah suka sgt bermain kutu ni since aku rasa org yg main kutu ni mcm mak-mak yg tak reti nk saving sndiri. tapi tiga tahun lps since aku dtg kat tmpt baru ni, aku try berjinak2.
and my first time aritu sgt impressive, so aku continue la main dgn org lain plak.

but my second time ni jadi mcm lain plak.
aku tgh nervous ni sbb katanya arini dia akan bagi full balance.
suppose bagi 20 ari lps, tapi delay sbb katanya dia sukar nk collect sbb gaji org2 swasta masuk lmbt.
but then, Christmas kot, x logik gaji masuk lewat. tapi aku iyakan saja.
pastu ttiba ckp tertinggal kad bank kat rumah. eh!
ok, aku bereh lagi. kekonon cool.
tapi dah rasa lain mcm dah.

pastu smlm ade mkn2 kat opis, so aku join la mcm biasa.
pastu sohseh2 cerita delay kutu aku ni rupanya spread around dah.
depa ckp budak tu mmg problem bab finance ni.
 eh!
duit org ko buat main2.

semalam dia dtg, btau kawan2 dia yg kata dah bank in tu rupanya boleh tak masukkan duit tu kat dia.
kununnya dia mcm kna kelentong.
aku dah cuak.
dia dtg bagi pat keping duit not lima ploh.
aku punya jumlah ribu kot.
aku dah cuak skali lagi.

dan mula lah syaitonirrajim mghasut suh pcaya ckp2 akak opis blakang.
nervous aku menjadi2.
semua kj dah takleh buat.
aku ckp kat budak tu, "by hook or by crook, esok (arini) saya nk balance tu semua ade di meja saya sebelum tghari.buat lah camana pun!"
aku tgh menyusun ayat nk bash ni.

seb baik aku x tggu duit ni utk bayar roadtax ritu.
tapi mmg rabak lah jugak poket.
tapi ni duit aku, apsal main guna2 camtu.

dan skang sorg2 dtg mai citer psl kisah kutu aku ni,
kunun ksian.

tapi mmg ksian dowh aku rasa.
dan kecewa.

alaahaai.
sanggupnya la buat camtu.
padahal ko staf aku.
duk seopis.
mak ayah hasben smua kj satu kampus.
tergamaknya kau.

ni mmg last aku berkutu.
kbai.

*sambung sedeyh.

being normal

being a normal person nowadays requires me to learn lots.
(so that you call yourself not normal kah? --well, sometimes).

you have to do work slowly, not eager to reach the deadline and dateline.
you don't have to be so detail bcz people doing things so relax and chill, mistakes are things to be corrected and that's normal, don't push yourself too much. you are not a mutant.

you are allowed to not replying the msg or text or whatever you see promptly so then people would ask to again and again then you would be as the most wanted person and people like that. delay, yes,. people like to delay in most things.

you should not eager to hold into a relationship or whatever ship, because when people need you, then they would stick on you, don't need to semangat sgt.
do not over appreciate people around you, normal people do not do that.

you don't need to fulfill promises since people always don't remember that and buat-buat lupa sometimes they did that just to manis mulut and please you for ..you know, their kepentingan.

and i nowadays learn to be like that since i think only me that bersemangat.
yes, i am full of desire and giving full commitment in each every thing i hold to in my life.
things like these bring me down much since i believe life is each other business and we commit each other to fill it.

hmmm..
continue learning lah gini..


calories counting days

i am still cont counting calories intake, until semalam, kecundang mkn nasi kerabu overdose.
tapi mengikut myfitnesspal nasikerabu daging bakar cabai solok tak smpai 400 cal pon.
so, aku rasa selamat lah, even perut trasa kenyang sgt.

pastu sblm tu, aku try amik detox drink tghari..
mmg berlumba la ke toilet.
smpai solat pun terganggu.
campak cenggitu je telekung.haha.
tragis.
lesson learnt: minum detox drink mlm je pls.

calories intake, even takde la tepat sgt kerana tak timbang, make me feel that i am dieting.
makan rasa mcm terkawal, tak kenyang sgt, tapi tak lapar.
dia rasa steady je.
nengok ke org duk share2 dlm Kelab Diet Kalori tu mcm over pun ade.
smpai stress.
aku bukanlah nk kurus keding, cumanya tamau sakit kaki.
dan aku duk baca2 simptom kat tenet, katanya boleh menghala ke sakit2 serius.
dan aku mcm rasa ada bnda2 tu kat aku.

it has been a month i avoid air manis.
itu pun aku rasa affected kehidupan manis-manis yng membuatkan life mcm steady watlek wat pis.
tapi malam semalam aku bedal jgk milo 3 in 1 kat umah.
mcm tak ganjak dari aritu, so utk ngabiskannya aku mencadangkan utk amik smggu skali atau jrg2.
only at home.
boleh kannn...
kata kevin zahari, minum air manis boleh, tapi separuh gelas.
tak ke bazir?
*tapi slalu yg gomok2 cam ai ni reason dia klise, tamau membazir. =)

doakan perjalanan travelog mengejar kehidupan sihat ini berjalan dgn lancar.
pagi ni bfast coco crunch ngn susu.
hala ke tghari amik sandwiches ngn plainwater.
skip lunch sbb mlm kang twani nk masak kari kpala ikang.
kalori berganda.

kbai.

stability

hi 2017.

this morning newsfeed FB and roll IG all entries show anak2 first day skol.
some cries, some excited and some put hard faces.
well, fisrt day.
i cant even remember my first day at skol actually.
yg aku igt masa kat tadika, my mom walked jauh kot dari rumah bwk payung, dokong adik, hantar ngambik dari skolah. dulu skolah tadika mak x bagi nek biskal. bila dah cerdik sikit mak suh bonceng kakda, dan kdg2 kakja. amer? mmg tak la.
dats y anak2 pompuan sumer survivor, anak laki dimanja-manja.
and i obviously seen that in my families.
dats my parents kinda educating system, and u have yours.
or may be dats why people say 'dun marry guys from pantai timur, they are all lemau'.
well. it is a fact.

akak opis aku ni cuti arini check perut.
i met my exhosmet whom having a child and moved from the house last year to stay with her hubsy.
and talked about everyone has own agenda in moving on their lives -akak tu nt nak bsalin, and my current hosmet might getting marry this year, and i ...am thinking where to move since i cant afford to rent the house alone. giler RM750 a month, baik beli umah.

"tak best nya, masing-masing.sumer ade hal.twani nt lps kawen nk pindahh.mana nk cari hosmet"
sedey..
"ala..duk je la umah tu, kau kan dah stabil"
"stabil??"


stabil apakah maksud beliau.
org mungkin berezeki dari kehidupan dan status, ade org yg dari segi kerjaya.
mana satu kebahagiaan yg kau cari, itulah yg kau dpt.
nampak selesa kot life aku ni.
aku tak cari ke kebahagiaan satu lagi ke?
tatau la weyh.

org memandang kebahagian aku ini dari status kerjaya, pakai keta apa, padahal stiap hari pk jap lagi nak g makan ngn sape, nak makan ape, nak buat ape kejap lagi...
which is all are routines.
apakah aku bahagia dengan semua ini.

memikirkan semua itu adakah aku mempersoalkan rezeki Allah?
tidak juga.
aku memikirkan bagaimana aku nak facing all that with no tenses.

stabilnya finance dikatakan stabil kehidupan.
tidakkah dievaluasi dengan stabilnya emosi dan kerohanian?
yg dua ni aku masih terumbang ambing.
cukupkah ketahanan dan pengetahuan aku nak meredah hidup sorang2 menuju tuhan?
hey, giler aku tamau mencari teman seperhidupan.
cari, tapi pencarian itu tatau mana mahu mula.
di mana?
bagaimana?
siapa?

semak mikir.

resolusi tahun 2017 kah ini?

welcome 2017


yes, 2017 comes with bright morning after the hard fall rain semalam which bring the flood to the area yg rendah, including my rumah kg.but my mom said nothing to be worried, sikit je.
looking to the pic of 2016, i saw the working-pics conquered.
dua big projects IMD in one year, which is tak penah dibuat org but since both were organized to fulfill the KPI and VC insist, kena lah buat. and sgt enjoyable projects, i met many people, which now become my frens. alaaa.. rindu lah pulak.
Allah plans the best, abes je blaja 2016 , 11 Jan, terus start to meetings for that project.
and abes je dua2 projects, sambung dgn prject dulang tunang n kawen adik aku.
and after that, focus project report kualiti kat opis.
di samping tu celah2 organize kelab student.
mcm nk tumbang gak, but Allah knows best.
dlm bz2 sempat gak g vacay kat Rainbow Waterfall Sg. Lembing.
anta ciktee blaja, pastu g knvo.
and everything happens through the good flow.

2016 also affected relationships, good and bad.
sometimes it is good to make a move and leave, sebelum sakit hati bertambah-tambah.
and aku yakin, my move this time would not affect dia mcm sblm2 ni.
slalu kalau je aku buat kputusan nk move, dia dtg balik.
but i know, not this time.
i leave because i love.
myself. and give chance to me myself ke depan.
it is my big affected thing in my 2016.
2015 dah jadi skali, jadi lagi rupanya 2016.
hope 2017 ni tak de la lagi camni.
inshaAllah.

2016 is a good year for me in achieving my career well.
even i got APC for 2015, tapi sbb award diberi 2016, kira 2016 lah tu..
hehe.

inshaAllah, semoga 2017 would bring me prosperity and wellness.
and love.
Aminnn..