beban

semalam, i was shocked dapat call from a fren whose calling for help.
but after i realized, he actually calling for a shoulder to cry on.
aku ni jenis tak berapa reti nak calmkan org, just lending my ears je bolehlah.
sbb dah hampir 7 months 'silent' from a deep conversation.ok dah.

terdengar suara tersekat2 tu aku dah cemas my God nak buat apa ni.
and i was like ..."lek2..cool."..."sabar"..."ok now camana nak buat"
which is sbnrnya semua tu tak brapa herlok utk direspon time2 camni.
ye lah, org tgh marah, sedey, disappointed, etc.

deep in my heart i pity him.
too much burden, pastu bertambah2 dgn keja2 lain.
dengan sambung blaja lagi. 
oh my goodness, i feel you.

conversation semalam habis dengan keputusan yg dia yakin.
yakin untuk proceed hidup dia dengan apa yg dia dah pilih.
selepas dia duk "...kalaulah saya tak pilih...kalau dulu saya..kalau.."
tapi alkesahnya realiti tak begitu.
hadaplah apa yg ada ni.
jangan quit.
dia boleh, sbb tu Allah bagi beban tu.

semoga Allah menguatkan jiwa kita, iman kita.
mungkin ini pengalaman yg dia akan bawak sampai mati.
seperti yg aku pnah experience dulu.
semuanya adalah kenangan.
yang mendewasakan.

all the best my fren.
Allah bersamamu.
and now on i'll include u to my doa  :)

soalan

"skang, you kawan dengan sape eh?"

euwww...soalan apakah ini?
mulanya direct aku jwb tanpa berfikir.
"saya kawan semua org. ngn you pun saya kawan".
then she replied detail.
then aku tanya balik "why you ask?".
then jawapannya "sebab tak nampak 'kawan' ngan sape2".

that is really mean that i am not with anyone lah cik kak.
actually, aku ni orangnya jelas.
kalau ada, nampak.
kalau xde, nampak juga.
huhu.
terpancar segalanya.

.......

nampak sangat ker???

klmj

benda kecik, kalau sntiasa difikir-fikirkan, jadi besar.
ia membinasakan.
meruntuhkan silaturahim.
dan memberi kemurungan.

sometimes it comes from sepotong ayat yang dlm conversation biasa, or even been texted.
and how could people just spell their words to us, without considering our feelings.
i am sensetip on that hokeh.
and i was just 'tergamaknya kau cakap camtu'.

remember my mom taught me that kalau kita xnak org buat kat kita, jgn buat kat org.
but then nowadays, org, tergamak je buat apa2 kat kita, even kita x buat kat dia.
know what i meant kan.
the long term ship u have with them dont guarantee that they are best for u.
org ckp takyah lah pk, tak penting.
but then if it doesnt come from their thoughts then where from that words came?

oh my people.
why so cruel.

i have been asked that "who is your best friend?".
and it takes me sometime to think you know.
even i raised out a few name and they will asking me back .
"ye ke?does she closed to bla..bla.. rather than you?".
i was just, "eh!pls dun question me boleh?".
dan terus membawa diri, and listen to Faded-Alan Walker.

teruk kan...huhu.


tadabbur

few days ago i went to seminar.
Seminar cara mudah faham alQuran.
It was a very good seminar, giving so much info that help to enhance the way of membaca Quran.

actually to read is good enough. i mean to read without understand the meaning since Allah gives u pahala juga. but then, it is like mcm air lalu je lah.
reading with knowing the meaning adalah membolehkan kita communicate dgn Quran.
Tadabbur is knowing what is the message the Allah want to deliver to us in that ayat.
and then, Tazakkur, which is you need to know what is your responsibility to react for the ayat.
stakat ni baca tafsir cenggitu je.
and that is really membantu dalam solat.
sangat.

Ni dia share link: http://tadabburmadeeasy.com/
link ni untuk kita blajar faham Quran.
letak tepi dia nak buat profit ke apa, yg penting apa kita dapat dari apa yg dia smpaikan.
kalau info tu dpt mengubah kita, Alhamdulillah, Allah bagi jalan kita nak berhijrah.
kalo pk negative, dptlah benda negative tu smpai bila-bila.

masa dia hurai Surah Al Ankabut (Labah-labah) tu aku rasa mcm Ya Allah keciknya la hai ilmu yg kita ada ni.
sikit nau.
tapi aku x paham kenapa org nak angkuh dgn ilmu yg dia ada.
kannn..

tak smpai 2 mggu lgi dah nak puasa.
sejauh mana dah preparation kita.
igt tahun ni nak puasa dengan sesuatu yg tak biasa dibuat seblm ni.
dengan satu ilmu yg boleh enhance iman.
semoga Allah bagi aku bertemu ramadhan kali ini, dengan baik.
InshaAllah.

bai.

the thought

how to turn the recent thought to other thing?

mine be like...
masak. my God, bila masak beria of coz ko makan beria.
pastu passion untuk diet faded.
nak shopping, skali skala boleh lah.
bila pk balik nak shopping buat hape smua dah ada.
angkat je baju, hatta ke make up, small thought comes, mcm waste je.
nak buat apa byk2? mana nak simpan, almari dah penuh.
that kind of thing.

hmm..
now nak g trip pun dah susah.
kawan2 mcm jauh.
dan makin "menjauh" since kita bukan slalu get engage.
aku x pasti lah faktor jarak atau apa.
tak pe lah. aku okay je.
mmg lah kdg2 terasa, tapi ignore je.

bila bjalan dengan adik2, kna tggu finance kau gomok2 baru bleh jalan.
all the spend would be double.
hmm..

...hmmm skali lagi.

sbnrnya aku nak twist thought tanak bagi pk pasal keja je.
but then, pusing-pusing i got nothing to think about, last2 balik semula ke kerja.
life, like that.

bzbunny

life got sooo busy these days.
so that i shop hard last weekends, sementelahan sale sana sini.
pastu duk diam-diam, kerja balik.

program tak putus-putus tahun ni.
and for sure bila kita work hard, all we need is understanding from people, yang closed to us lah kan.
tapi bila tgk makin senang goyang kaki saja yg the rest tuh, i also brasa hati juge lah.
at least, concern lah sikit, kalau tak banyak pon.
u all also got the gaji end of the month kan.

bila serabut-serabut ni lah terkadang kita akan rasa at one time we have full attention and loves, and at one another time we have nothing, dan hanya kita bersusah payah, which is ko apehal keja pnat2, rilek lah weyh.
is this bisikan syaiton atau a wake-up whisper?
huhu.

ok dah, itu je.
bai.

unease

i was shocked with various not-so-good things about people around me these few days.
and it made me unease. makan tak brapa lalu. mikir.

and one more thing, when it happened to relate with family, so many people i need to care about.
this one - should be remind and remind.
this one - should be comfort and tadah telinga.
this one - should be briefly explained.
this one - xyah bagitau pun xpe.
sooo many people.
why i get myself into this.
bcz i know if not me then who.
hmmm..


i am not doing these as to be a hero.
cumanya nk suh paham keadaan.
tapi xtau la org paham ke x.
huhu.

harapnya semua boleh setel dan bertenang.

life.ship.

maafkan aku ya Allah.

lately i was shocked by few things about marriage, engagement, pendek kata bab2 rumah tangga.
bab2 relationship aku rasa at my age dah makin faded.
yes, as for me, the ship that 'we' want is long last rship which is leading to syurga Allah.
but then, aku takpaham apa yang merasuk org menyimpang dari jalan asal yg merosakkan nikmat Allah ni. tentunya lah syaitonirrajim.

kdg aku tersasar juga dari jalan yg benar.
tapi bila dah sedar, kita kembali balik lah kan.
jangan buat bnda mengarut. tambah2 zaman sekarang ni.
org sampai hati je nak buat kat kita mcm2.
biar lah kawan tido sebantal pon.
lagikan hasben wife pon prob mcm2.
umur 60 70 boleh berpisah, ko rasa ko nak apa je dlm hidup ko?
these frighten me most in having rship.

marah memang marah.
tapi lps marah ko pk, berbaloi ke marah tanpa arah?
marah berlanjutan membawa binasa.
benda yg lepas, how could u fix it in present.. dats what you need to think.

we who are not in the shoes, yg kononnya tak tau kesah pedih sedeh ko ni, mgkin dianggap tak rasa.
but then, bila tempiasnya kena kat org, ko jgn lah degil kunun bleh setel sndiri.
jangan biadap dgn org, sbb satu ari ko akan turn kat org jgk.
aku taktau la salah didikan ke, atau environment  yg mempengaruhi.

kadang kita terlalu agongkan org luar dari keluarga.
kununnya depa lagi paham.
sbb ko x cuba nk pahamkan keluarga sndiri.
jadi la camtu.

i am very disappointed of whatever happen these days.
perkataan 'tergamak' dan 'sampai hati' mmg pop-out je kat kpala.
nothing to rely on 'Islam' nya seseorang.
pada ilmu seseorang, iman seseorang.
sebut je org buat gelak je.
aku dah tatau harga hidup nk based pada apa.

Ya Allah, Kau tunjukkanlah jalan yg benar.
bukakanlah pintu hati kami, berikanlah hidayah kepada kami,
kami ini tersasar jauh dariMu.

hope these will clear soon.
Ameen..

rujukan

recently i work my work very well (aku rasa laa) sbb aku mcm tak menang tangan melayan users.
ada yang menghiburkan, ade yg memberi tekanan.
tapi sebab kj, layankan aje.
seronok bila apa yg depa nak tau kita dapat explain satu2 or at least dapatlah juga memberi jalan untuk disiapkan satu2 tugasan tu.

semester degree memang mencabar minda sikit since those students in final sem dan part 5 doing their research and research proposal.
tetambah bab finance, economic which require me to pahamkan term2 diorg yg sgt technical.
sampai sakit kepala semalam.

this week masih berbaki satu kelas lagi Kelas Kemahiran Maklumat.
kalau student best dan memahami ok, kalu dpt yg kecoh riuh tu, sakit ati jgk.
maybe thats why i am not fated to be a lecturer.
salute to all cikgus and lecturers yg bertahan mengajar budak2 sampai pandai.huhu.

it is nice you know to have people come to you for help.
and walked out from your desk with a big hope and light.
trase puas hati dapat gaji begini.
haha.
over betul.

i might not help you to gain good grade but still i would give my best to guide.
inshaAllah.

bff

bestfriend can be lover or not.
tajuk kat era.fm.

jawapan aku: tak pasti.
tapi yg sure, aku jenis tak reti nak sayang org sikit-sikit.
so then aku tatau aku syg org tu sbnrnya for love or for friend.
haha. teruk sungguh.

lately one of my bff ade FB-ing me.
and it makes me recall life with him zaman2 blaja dulu.
it wasnt involve feeling lovey dovey, dia lebih kepada abang adik yg memang aku marah kalo ko tak siap asgmt, suka time dia ajak lepak, ok time dia suh kejut pagi, and so forth.
and the sweet moment is time knvo dia g jmpa aku bawak tunang dia.
and i was like, owhhh tahniah.
tapi aku tak kecik ati.
pastu lost contact dan contact balik lately after our fren up gamba zaman dulu2 time nak g kelas.
time bff ngn dia dulu ramai jgk la org jeles, aku mcm what the heck org nk jeles.
tapi lagi kami buat hal.
aku penah je nak marah tolak meja dlm bilik kuliah, sampai terbalik meja, and seb baik dia sambut.
"mung kalu nk maroh memey parok".
pastu aku blah, tapi dia pujuk.
hahaha.

zaman dulu.

yg tiba2 nak jadi bff pon ade, tapi aku xleh go on, sbb ramai sgt org tak suka dia.
aku ni kdg2 dapat org yg 'baki-baki' org tak brapa suka.
hahaha.
nasib.

so, that feeling.

zaman skolah rendah aku ade bff laki.
dia akan lepak depan umah aku tggu nk g skolah.
balik sekolah saing sama nek beskal.
dia slalu pinjam buku skolah aku tiru homework.
dia slalu bagi pinjam komik, anak org ada2, slalu blnja makan.
time nk study group mmg dia dulu smpai umah aku.
org kg duk bcakap pasal kitorg, tapi ...alaahhh.budak skolah rendah je kot.
masuk skolah menengah lost cntact.
masuk uni, aku pnh cntact dia skali, tapi aku rasa dia mcm tetiba x brapa nk frenly.
segan mungkin. pastu lepas tu makin jauh makin jauh.
dia problem  skit, aritu dgr citer dia ade involve ngn org2 yg x berfaedah.
padahal dah kawen, anak tiga rasanya.
ada add kat fb, tapi silent.
hmm.. masa dia kawen abah ada btau.
aku was like "owh..."
gitu je.huhu.

yg aku takleh lupa sampai bila2 is yg kwn whom aku anggap bff, dan dia pun ckp kita bff, tapi ko take for granted, dan dtg time ko suka.
banyak kali on-off tapi at last i decide aku off smpai bila-bila.

kawan-kawan.
rindu pulak.

note: i talk about kawan lain gender ;)

fenat

baru lah boleh masuk opis dengan tenang this week.
i start my day dengan sleepy eyes semalam beriya khatamkan cerita Voice tu.
hero fevret, msti kna tgk smpai abes.

last week selasa sampai khamis fly to uitmkelate to attend a HR WalkThrough , sebuah roadtour.
mmg shot abes.
tapi aku ikut je flow.
seb baik bos cover semalam utk bagi talk since i felt not sure to deliver.
datang la jugak majlis tu utk back up.
semalam kegilaan g kenduri sampai dua kali.
haha.
angin.

esok lusa ade task bagi taklimat utk kelas info skill.
lepas tu baru bleh rasa lega.
penat giler berkejaran dua tiga minggu ni.
bila nak balik kg xtau.
huhu

headache

i was here and there for these three weeks.
and my mind got chaos and exhausted.
got short vacay, attending bengkel, and wedding trip at one shot mmg gimme shot on head.
i got headache,  coughing, and flu all in a package.
khamis yg tetiba dpt mc dan jumaat mmg rest abes.
sabtu ahad drove all away.
dan skang masuk opis berpinau2.
tgh amik mood.
know what, i need to give a talk for one hour this weekend.
slide taksiap lagi.
kali ni xle escape.
huhu.

headache masih ade ni. haih.
next time xleh buat semua bnda ni one shot.
shock body and soul.
and your antibodi is not young anymore.
you have use it for 33 years, what d'u expect then.


get rid your work and pay some place a visit.
get refreshing your view, baru feel hidup org kabor...
semoga semangat datang kejap2 lagi.
aaameeennn..

mistakes

welcome marching March.
berbaris tugasan menunggu dalam March ni.
and i am trying to prepare myself for the month.

actually apa dalam mind aku is my last two days temper pasal budak opis buat silap in listing the used books donated dari org2 uni ni.
yes, the simplest thing dalam listing je pon, apa yg aku nk kecoh sgt.
but to me, hey-listing-buku-je-kot-nape-salah.
she kept saying that "cik lain la, cik buat kj teliti, saya tak".
eh.
tapi aku punya frust aritu mmg takleh blah.
aku tringt adik aku ckp, time ko marah, sedeyh, cuba ko g tgk muka ko kat cermin.
mesti klakar. pastu ko pk lah nk terus marah ke tak.
haha. ngeng.
dekat 20min aku membebel kat budak tu.
aku cakap 'jgn menyampuk, biar saya abes bebel dulu'.
haha.

dia ckp dia x brani nak janji dia x buat lg.
aku tatau la apa yg dia rasa sbnranya.
no improvement.
selesa dgn apa yg dia ade, knowledge x nm tmbah, xmo berubah.
aku anta g kursus, ajar dia sikit2.
ini dia balas.
sedih pedih medih..

aku sbnrnya tatau, is it hard task yg aku bagi.
dia kata tak. dah tu? ko dtg kj buat apa?
susun buku susun newspaper kutip statistik gaji seribu tiga?

aritu plak aku nya pcaya je dia buat apa since aku bz nguruskan bnda lain.
then ko submit je benda tu kat org luar plak tu.
lps anta baru aku semak, mmg sakitnya la hai ati.
dat day masa dia keluarkan listing and pack the books i was just like 'are you sure listing buku ni sama dlm boxes tu? dah semak betul2?'
dia kompidem kata dah semak.
so skang, aku rasa mcm kena pangggg je.

aku perfectionist sgt ke?
tak perlu perfectionist kalau stakat ko jumpa salah dlm listing buku je kot.
(pastu dtg lah sebeban ingatan mistakes dia dlm statistik, drafting surat semua).
pk balik, aku ngan akak ni terbalik.
mcm dia bos aku.
aku buat smua bnda, dia tlg proceed je.
baru rasa nak marah?


pastu tetiba last meeting pengurusan ko calon nama dia APC lah kan.
padan muka kauuu kaw2!

alaaahai...

blues

sunday blues, ramai plak budak opis cuti.

what's in my mind is about the post dalam IIUM Confession yang merendah-rendahkan uni yang memberi ilmu dan rezeki kepada diriku ini.
memang sedikit hangin lah diriku ini.
kalau bukan uni ini yang memberi peluang kepada Melayu, sapa lagi nak amik tau psl bangsa kita yang suka berpecah belah sesama sendiri ni?
kalaupun bukan memberi manfaat kat ko, cuba ko fikir sikit manfaat yg dicurahkan kepada org2 yang diberi peluang blaja di IPT, especially bagi yang x berkemampuan.
it is about peluang.
so ko nk ckp 4.00 flat uni aku ni dgn UIA, UKM semua tak setaraf.
dah kalau ko bijak ko mai sini masuk uni ni, pastu score 4.00 flat aku nk tengok.
dapat?

macam-macam hal.
kita fight kot nak dpt research uni utk naikkan ranking uni, tapi percent kita besar.
bajet pun dah makin shrink.
ko tak tau betapa struggle nya kami2 bkerja, dalam minded Melayu yang dimanja-manja.
alahai anak bangsa.
dah takde benda sgt ke nak pk.

manusia makin tertekan.
kehidupan makin sesak.
jadi semua isu dicuit.

minyak dah naik ke 2.50 seliter Ron 95, sedeyh tau.
huhu.

struggle

i am so blessed these days.
terima kasih Allah for all the rahmat You give- friends and crowd, and rezekis.

i'v been reading few entries framing sounded like 'jgn igt org result tak bagus tak bleh g jauh'.
its fine to comfort them who related, but the same ways membuatkan org high achievers feel 'owh, kalau gitu tak yah la score tinggi2, buat lek je lah exam, ala kadar.kalau good score tak semestinya goes well in future' kinda thing.
it makes high achievers feel crap you know.
then membuatkan org2 lemau nak study.
mcm bersalah plak dapat good scores.
tau, kdg org rendah score tapi kj bagus, kdg org high achievers tak leh perform time keja.
tapi, in term of exam, jangan la cakap camtu.
mak sentap nakkk..

aku pun kdg deliver speech tak fluent.
lost words, dan kdg2 audience sambung ayat.
pastu sesama gelak.
i am not saying i had excellent nau in my exams, but boleh dikatakan hokay la.
but you know that not all people born excel cenggitu je.
they struggle on that.
bertahajud, solat hajat, minta dengan Allah, tak tdo malam, sacrifice times.
tetambah plak bebudak bidang core mcm medic, acc, law.
ok la kalau nk kata yg score kurang pun buat semua tu, tapi my highlight is pada yng score kurang ko study tak berapa org study ko g dating, main2 time asgmt pastu claim "alaa, high achievers tak menjanjikan masa depan" . kau rasa?
ateleast they are complying one of criteria di mata interviewer hokay.
lain la kalo ko mmg ade softskills yg bagus bleh convince org kj.
atau mmg dah tertulis di luhmahfuz ko mmg excel dalam life ko kan.

me struggle very much to get score yang telah dapat.
as for me, struggle as much u can, to get good score or not, depends on your struggleness tu la.
tapi slalunya Allah dah btau "those yang berusaha, pasti akan dapat apa yg diusahakan".
these feeling is when most of people around yg nampak tak brapa nak 'berusaha' pastu duk kata 'alaa..result tinggi pon ...bla..bla..bla..tgk dia tu...bla..bla..dulu blaja kemain excellent, skang tgk, aku lebih..bla.bla.'
eh engkau!
emosi plak ai.

ahad aritu ade recognition day on Hari Inovasi.
and I saw people who got recognition from uni, and riak muka masing2 mmg deserved.
since i was among them, kita rasa dihargai dalam menjalani amanah dan tanggungjawab.
it is not like riak you know, i was like "alhamdulillah, then we would work harder, this is a motivation, and inspiration to us" kinda thing.
how struggle we were in our routines.
some of them aku pnah jumpa balik kj dah nak maghrib.
some of them tak berkira time buat kj.
after all, do not sound like 'alaa.depa kaki kipas' and those all bad things, tak baik.
mmg kalau ikutkan penggiliran to get that award tu ada kat most department.
rezeki is masing2 lah kan..
buleh dak kalau pk yg baik2.
amik yang positive dari mereka2 ni, them apply.
depa dapat, kita dapat.

even the recognition award refers to my 2015 punya kerja, but i positively put my 2016 as my bz-ness year which deserved to be highlighted.
and the most thing i sacrificed much on 2016 was to focus on Anugerah Kualiti Rektor, pelaporan 2016.
giler aku tercabar dgn mantan TKP last year masuk tak menang.
setiap meeting kena perli.
atlast aku buat dua org, amik idea je ramai2.
and Allah gives us Naib Johan. dia punya seronok terbawa2 sampai ke hari ni.
penat lelah weyh. org bcuti chrismast kita buat report.
org celeb newyear kita dtg opis.
bergaduh2 selisih faham.
Allah itu baik, dan sayang kita semua. Dia bagi.

selepas episod tukar tempat keja 2013, i can tell that 2013 and 2014 were the years i built the trust and believeness that the mgt could count on me in doing things to sama-sama naikkan department ni.
and 2015 i got lots of tasks (amekaw!).
2016 kita harvest dia punya hasil.
and i could tell that 2016 is my bright year, since my previous bright year is 2010.

more years to go.
hope istiqamah,
and Allah, pls give me strength.
semoga diconvertkan tanggungjawab ini sebagai ibadah.

mom always says, there are much ways to make her proud, use your brain.
ada ilmu, jangan bongkak, tawakal.
and i kept her words, sampai mati.
inshaAllah.


obses nak kurus

last two months (oh God, arini dah masuk february!), ai find out that my weight dah lain mcm.
baju dah sendat tang bumper, trasa berat semacam.
aku rasa dah citer sblm ni.haha.
so kesah counting calories tu bergerak cantik sehingga last two weeks.
mmg nak g jjcm kat shah alam (jer) sesambil amik ciktee.
well, org kampung mmg suka jalan bandar.
org bandar plak beriya nk jalan kg, kan.
itulah kita, manusia. mencari kesempurnaan dalam dunia fana ni.

alaah, tak kemana pun, round2 mall.
makan2 sket.
tgk wayang sket; pastu tak paham citer apa yg kitorg tgk, tapi tgk jer sbb org blnja. tq buddy.
jalan2 sampai malam.
lebih adventure sket sbb duk hotel bajet.

makan2 kat sana tak plak aku masukkan dlm MyFitnessPal.
takut kecewa. so aku ikut flow je.
sblm balik aku g singgah IOI City Mall tu.
sesambil g makeup free kat Sephora, g jugak cari weightscale kat area2 situ.
and now sehari pat lima kali timbang kau.
timbang masa derma darah aritu 67kg.
sblm balik kg aritu 64 kg, pastu balik smlm timbang 62 kg.
eh, aku rasa boleh tahan nafsu mkn kat kg even 4 ari, pagi petang makan nasik.
mcm mustahil lah plak.
eleh, padahal gembira.
haha.

ok, my journey to 55kg proceed.
gigih aku g mncari peanut butter with no sugar. jumpa hokay.
pastu cari pulak Ahmad Green Tea. jumpa.
so skang,  smua bnda ada.
yg tak pasti ada ke tak is motivasi.
aku doakan aku konsisten.
tak bleh dah nk celebrate every victory dgn makan tak hingat.
aku kna tukar cara celebrating victory *tgh pk*

stkt ni yg konsisten is no sugar for drink water.
tapi kalo kat umah aku minum je sbb mak dah buat.
dan bila g umah org, takkan nak order air masak plak. ko igt kdai mamak?

so, next jjcm aku kna control portion.
harapnya kesah journeyto55 ni mencapai kejayaan.
sebelum raya nt. amiinnn..

kisah mak kutu

lately aku ralit plak baca cerita2 dkt IIUMC confession tu.
ni skang ni aku nk buat confession sket.huhu.

aku ni bukanlah suka sgt bermain kutu ni since aku rasa org yg main kutu ni mcm mak-mak yg tak reti nk saving sndiri. tapi tiga tahun lps since aku dtg kat tmpt baru ni, aku try berjinak2.
and my first time aritu sgt impressive, so aku continue la main dgn org lain plak.

but my second time ni jadi mcm lain plak.
aku tgh nervous ni sbb katanya arini dia akan bagi full balance.
suppose bagi 20 ari lps, tapi delay sbb katanya dia sukar nk collect sbb gaji org2 swasta masuk lmbt.
but then, Christmas kot, x logik gaji masuk lewat. tapi aku iyakan saja.
pastu ttiba ckp tertinggal kad bank kat rumah. eh!
ok, aku bereh lagi. kekonon cool.
tapi dah rasa lain mcm dah.

pastu smlm ade mkn2 kat opis, so aku join la mcm biasa.
pastu sohseh2 cerita delay kutu aku ni rupanya spread around dah.
depa ckp budak tu mmg problem bab finance ni.
 eh!
duit org ko buat main2.

semalam dia dtg, btau kawan2 dia yg kata dah bank in tu rupanya boleh tak masukkan duit tu kat dia.
kununnya dia mcm kna kelentong.
aku dah cuak.
dia dtg bagi pat keping duit not lima ploh.
aku punya jumlah ribu kot.
aku dah cuak skali lagi.

dan mula lah syaitonirrajim mghasut suh pcaya ckp2 akak opis blakang.
nervous aku menjadi2.
semua kj dah takleh buat.
aku ckp kat budak tu, "by hook or by crook, esok (arini) saya nk balance tu semua ade di meja saya sebelum tghari.buat lah camana pun!"
aku tgh menyusun ayat nk bash ni.

seb baik aku x tggu duit ni utk bayar roadtax ritu.
tapi mmg rabak lah jugak poket.
tapi ni duit aku, apsal main guna2 camtu.

dan skang sorg2 dtg mai citer psl kisah kutu aku ni,
kunun ksian.

tapi mmg ksian dowh aku rasa.
dan kecewa.

alaahaai.
sanggupnya la buat camtu.
padahal ko staf aku.
duk seopis.
mak ayah hasben smua kj satu kampus.
tergamaknya kau.

ni mmg last aku berkutu.
kbai.

*sambung sedeyh.

being normal

being a normal person nowadays requires me to learn lots.
(so that you call yourself not normal kah? --well, sometimes).

you have to do work slowly, not eager to reach the deadline and dateline.
you don't have to be so detail bcz people doing things so relax and chill, mistakes are things to be corrected and that's normal, don't push yourself too much. you are not a mutant.

you are allowed to not replying the msg or text or whatever you see promptly so then people would ask to again and again then you would be as the most wanted person and people like that. delay, yes,. people like to delay in most things.

you should not eager to hold into a relationship or whatever ship, because when people need you, then they would stick on you, don't need to semangat sgt.
do not over appreciate people around you, normal people do not do that.

you don't need to fulfill promises since people always don't remember that and buat-buat lupa sometimes they did that just to manis mulut and please you for ..you know, their kepentingan.

and i nowadays learn to be like that since i think only me that bersemangat.
yes, i am full of desire and giving full commitment in each every thing i hold to in my life.
things like these bring me down much since i believe life is each other business and we commit each other to fill it.

hmmm..
continue learning lah gini..


calories counting days

i am still cont counting calories intake, until semalam, kecundang mkn nasi kerabu overdose.
tapi mengikut myfitnesspal nasikerabu daging bakar cabai solok tak smpai 400 cal pon.
so, aku rasa selamat lah, even perut trasa kenyang sgt.

pastu sblm tu, aku try amik detox drink tghari..
mmg berlumba la ke toilet.
smpai solat pun terganggu.
campak cenggitu je telekung.haha.
tragis.
lesson learnt: minum detox drink mlm je pls.

calories intake, even takde la tepat sgt kerana tak timbang, make me feel that i am dieting.
makan rasa mcm terkawal, tak kenyang sgt, tapi tak lapar.
dia rasa steady je.
nengok ke org duk share2 dlm Kelab Diet Kalori tu mcm over pun ade.
smpai stress.
aku bukanlah nk kurus keding, cumanya tamau sakit kaki.
dan aku duk baca2 simptom kat tenet, katanya boleh menghala ke sakit2 serius.
dan aku mcm rasa ada bnda2 tu kat aku.

it has been a month i avoid air manis.
itu pun aku rasa affected kehidupan manis-manis yng membuatkan life mcm steady watlek wat pis.
tapi malam semalam aku bedal jgk milo 3 in 1 kat umah.
mcm tak ganjak dari aritu, so utk ngabiskannya aku mencadangkan utk amik smggu skali atau jrg2.
only at home.
boleh kannn...
kata kevin zahari, minum air manis boleh, tapi separuh gelas.
tak ke bazir?
*tapi slalu yg gomok2 cam ai ni reason dia klise, tamau membazir. =)

doakan perjalanan travelog mengejar kehidupan sihat ini berjalan dgn lancar.
pagi ni bfast coco crunch ngn susu.
hala ke tghari amik sandwiches ngn plainwater.
skip lunch sbb mlm kang twani nk masak kari kpala ikang.
kalori berganda.

kbai.

stability

hi 2017.

this morning newsfeed FB and roll IG all entries show anak2 first day skol.
some cries, some excited and some put hard faces.
well, fisrt day.
i cant even remember my first day at skol actually.
yg aku igt masa kat tadika, my mom walked jauh kot dari rumah bwk payung, dokong adik, hantar ngambik dari skolah. dulu skolah tadika mak x bagi nek biskal. bila dah cerdik sikit mak suh bonceng kakda, dan kdg2 kakja. amer? mmg tak la.
dats y anak2 pompuan sumer survivor, anak laki dimanja-manja.
and i obviously seen that in my families.
dats my parents kinda educating system, and u have yours.
or may be dats why people say 'dun marry guys from pantai timur, they are all lemau'.
well. it is a fact.

akak opis aku ni cuti arini check perut.
i met my exhosmet whom having a child and moved from the house last year to stay with her hubsy.
and talked about everyone has own agenda in moving on their lives -akak tu nt nak bsalin, and my current hosmet might getting marry this year, and i ...am thinking where to move since i cant afford to rent the house alone. giler RM750 a month, baik beli umah.

"tak best nya, masing-masing.sumer ade hal.twani nt lps kawen nk pindahh.mana nk cari hosmet"
sedey..
"ala..duk je la umah tu, kau kan dah stabil"
"stabil??"


stabil apakah maksud beliau.
org mungkin berezeki dari kehidupan dan status, ade org yg dari segi kerjaya.
mana satu kebahagiaan yg kau cari, itulah yg kau dpt.
nampak selesa kot life aku ni.
aku tak cari ke kebahagiaan satu lagi ke?
tatau la weyh.

org memandang kebahagian aku ini dari status kerjaya, pakai keta apa, padahal stiap hari pk jap lagi nak g makan ngn sape, nak makan ape, nak buat ape kejap lagi...
which is all are routines.
apakah aku bahagia dengan semua ini.

memikirkan semua itu adakah aku mempersoalkan rezeki Allah?
tidak juga.
aku memikirkan bagaimana aku nak facing all that with no tenses.

stabilnya finance dikatakan stabil kehidupan.
tidakkah dievaluasi dengan stabilnya emosi dan kerohanian?
yg dua ni aku masih terumbang ambing.
cukupkah ketahanan dan pengetahuan aku nak meredah hidup sorang2 menuju tuhan?
hey, giler aku tamau mencari teman seperhidupan.
cari, tapi pencarian itu tatau mana mahu mula.
di mana?
bagaimana?
siapa?

semak mikir.

resolusi tahun 2017 kah ini?